During the course of a long-term relationship, priorities shift and sometimes your partner takes a back seat to health, family, or work stressors. Sometimes they are in that back seat for a very long time.
If you’ve be an absent partner and want to reignite the intimacy you and your significant other once had, it can feel awkward broaching that desire — and understandably so, says renowned psychotherapist Esther Perel.
The author and podcast host recently released “Esther Perel’s Desire Bundle,” a duo of online courses that teach you how to reignite a romantic flame.
But the only way to improve the situation is to address it.
“It starts with a conversation, verbally or non verbally,” she says. “You reach out with words, or you reach out with your eyes or with your hands, but you have to take the initiative.”
Here are three steps to help you start owning your mistakes and rekindling your partnership.
1. Own your behavior
To start the conversation, Perel offers the following script:
“Yes, I’ve been gone for a long time and I’m reappearing and I take full responsibility for my behavior.”
Maybe it’s that you were depressed or attending to a dying family member. Acknowledge that regardless of how consuming the reason was, you understand the experience for your partner has been less than ideal.
You can say something along the lines of:
“I checked out for a long time. I was [insert reason here] and it took me completely out of the equation. And now I’m back, and I know that I have neglected you and us.”
2. Own it again
After resentment builds, one apology often isn’t enough. Perel says a good rule-of-thumb is to take responsibility three times.
“If your taking responsibility and ownership is not received, the burden of forgiveness passes over to the other person,” she says.
After the third apology if your partner still will not accept your contrition, it is up to them to figure out why and how they want to proceed.
3. Ask them to engage
If they do agree to work on reinvigorating the relationship, start making some plans.
“If you do things you enjoy that are familiar and comfortable, then you will often reinforce your friendship,” Perel says. “But if you want to bring the lovers into the center, then you need to do things that are more new, with more risk, with more uncertainty.”
If watching a movie every Friday night is part of your routine, perhaps opt to see a live show instead. Maybe your Saturday mornings are dedicated to household chores. Let the dishes sit for a few hours and take a bike ride at the park or brunch at a new restaurant.
Introducing, or reintroducing, some variation into your lives can help reignite the spark.
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